By: Matthew George, LMFTA
It goes without saying that life is difficult and full of misfortune. Some people face misfortune in the form of financial stress. Others in the form of illness, heartbreak, or loss. Such challenges are unpleasant, inconvenient, and difficult to deal with. There is no denying that experiencing misfortune will lead to negative emotions. Concern for the future, disappointment or sadness over something that occurred, healthy anger toward someone behaving poorly, or remorse for our own mistakes. These emotional responses are healthy, and allow us to face our unique challenges in life to the best of our ability.
Oftentimes, however, our emotional response is an obstacle that stands in our way. It impedes us from reaching our goals. Instead of concern for the future, we feel anxious. Instead of disappointment or sadness, we feel depressed. Instead of healthy anger, we feel rage. Instead of remorse, we feel guilt. How does this happen? The late Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), the original Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, argued that human beings compound their problems by demanding that the conditions in life be different than what they are. Perhaps we demand that we perform perfectly well at everything we do (I must do perfectly well). Perhaps we demand that others behave a certain way (People must act how I want them to). Or perhaps we demand that life be a certain way (Life needs to be how I want it to be). Making such demands serves no benefit, and only makes life more difficult. Demanding that life go a certain way is like going outside on a rainy day and demanding that it be sunny. No matter how much we demand that the sun come out, reality will be what it will be. We’re only making ourselves more upset about the rain. A rigid demand only serves to make us more miserable when things, inevitably, don’t go the way that we want.
Thus poses the question: Do things have to go the way that we want? Does reality need to be a certain way? The hard truth is no. How do we know this? Because the universe allows for it. Reality is very often not what we want it to be. We make mistakes. People act poorly. Life doesn’t go as planned. To demand that life go a certain way goes against reality. When we give up our demands in life, we become more powerful and less bothered by outside stressors. We cultivate acceptance and awareness of what we cannot change, and become more empowered to change what we can. Giving up our demands leads us to feel a healthy emotional response that, while unpleasant, allows us to take on our challenges head on and work towards reaching our goals.
You might be thinking: “isn’t letting go of our demands just a way of giving up?” Quite the opposite in fact! As human beings we have goals. In order to reach those goals we need to work hard to reach them. But are we in the best position possible to reach those goals when we hold rigid attitudes such as things must go the way I want? Dr. Albert Ellis argued no. So how do we give up our demands? By replacing them with preferences, also known as flexible attitudes. Below are some examples of such flexible attitudes
- Preferring that we do well but not demanding so (I really want to do perfectly well, I’ll try my hardest to do well, but I do not have to do perfectly well).
- Preferring that people act a certain way but not demanding them to (I would very much prefer that people behave a certain way, but they do not need to. The universe allows for people to behave in ways that I do not like).
- Preferring that life go well, while not demanding that it does (I really want life to go a certain way, but it does not have to in order for me to live a happy life).
Accepting the hard truth that reality does not have to be the way that we want it to be creates profound, philosophical change that allows us to be the best version of ourselves possible. To adopt this philosophy about life allows us to deal with the daily, unique challenges that we all face. While being flexible in the face of adversity, holding preferences instead of demands, we can live a happier, healthier life. Go out there and take on the world with your flexible attitudes!
